America’s Week in Review: From White House Proposal Shenanigans to Airport Chaos Meltdown

If you thought the news couldn’t get weirder or more chaotic, think again. This week had everything: a surreal White House proposal involving international relations, thousands queueing for enhanced identification, and an airport so cursed even government officials couldn’t escape its bureaucratic Bermuda Triangle. Let’s break it all down with a dose of humor, incredulity, and self-reflection.

The White House’s “Marriage Proposal” to Canada: A Diplomatic Romcom

It all kicked off with a highly anticipated meeting at the White House. Donald Trump, ever the showman, dusted off a pet obsession: his bizarre wish to make Canada the 51st state of America. Evidently, the idea only took off after he learned Epstein Island wasn’t eligible. When Canada’s newly-minted prime minister, Mark Carney, stepped through the White House doors, Trump saw an opening for his wildly inappropriate proposal.

The president compared the U.S. and Canada to a happy couple, gushing, “It would really be a wonderful marriage, because it’s– it’s two places that get along very well. They like each other a lot.” If you’re picturing an awkward episode of “Love on the Spectrum,” swap in a heavy subtext of awkward nationalism and you’re getting close.

Prime Minister Carney’s response was the equivalent of a diplomatic friend-zone:

“As you know from real estate, there are some places that are never for sale. And having met with the owners of Canada, it’s not for sale. It won’t be for sale. Ever.”

Trump, momentarily stung, refused to take the L. “Time will tell. Never say never… Canada loves us, and we love Canada.” Even after the clearest of brush-offs, he sounded like a jilted prom date. But Canada stood firm: Sorry, America, this “relationship” is strictly platonic.

The March of the Real ID: Your Passport to Longer DMV Lines

Bored of international intrigue? Let’s pivot to something truly American: standing in line for hours on end. With the Real ID deadline looming, millions have flocked to DMVs nationwide to upgrade their plain old license to a supercharged, star-studded Real ID. What is this elusive card? A federally-mandated security-enhanced ID, sold as the golden ticket for air travel beginning this week.

If you haven’t gotten yours yet, you’re officially behind the curve. DMVs across the country are besieged with would-be vacationers, appointment hopefuls, and TikTokers documenting their sorrows. Some brave souls have braved four-hour lines only to be told to “hopefully get an appointment.” One exasperated teacher even took to social media to air her grievances—a scenario so common, it could be a genre on its own.

Keep in mind, these are just the people who know about the deadline. Picture the airport on D-Day: a thousand stranded “Karens” filming rants, infinite variations on “I want to speak to your manager” echoing through terminals. This is what happens when Congress passes a law in 2005, plans to enforce it in 2008, and then, in true government fashion, delays it five times. You’d think in 23 years, we’d have mastered the art of issuing secure IDs. Instead, we have just enough Real IDs for the DMV to trend on TikTok.

Newark Airport Chaos: Because Travel Shouldn’t Be Easy

Congratulations! You survived the paperwork, the DMV, and have a Real ID that’s as shiny as a gold star. Now to the airport, where a fresh hell awaits—specifically at Newark Liberty International Airport.

In a single week, nearly 900 flights were canceled. Travelers described the place as “where dreams go to die,” which, let’s be honest, might as well be Newark’s official slogan. But something else was at play: air traffic control at Newark suffered a catastrophic failure, losing radar and communications with packed planes for over a minute. Pilots were literally talking to the tower, only to be told, “I don’t know where you are.”

That’s not a phrase you want to hear at 37,000 feet. The backup plan? Wishful thinking and maybe a game of “Marco Polo” with 747s. The incident rippled across the country; planes from California had to turn around mid-flight. Passengers in the terminal were forced to wait up to eight hours for baggage, with tempers boiling over: “I’m going to kill somebody!”, one traveler exclaimed—only to be told the wait time for that was three hours.

The culprit? An old copper wire sparked the meltdown. But let’s face it, this is a microcosm of America’s broader headache: crumbling infrastructure, staffing shortages, and overworked employees. Even Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy wound up stranded at Newark, proving that not even government officials have immunity from delays or lost luggage.

Is There Hope? Not Any Time Soon

Any solution promised by the Trump administration is, well, unlikely. Fixing America’s airports and infrastructure requires more than reallocating funds and half-hearted expertise. For now, Newark Airport has leaned into its new reputation, offering itself as the perfect excuse: can’t make it to a boring event? Just book through Newark, and you’ll miss every occasion—from your uncle’s adult bar mitzvah to your high school reunion—thanks to “radar outages, staffing shortages, or just pouring orange juice on the controls.”

When you’re stuck in travel purgatory, at least you can comfort yourself with the amenities: the double lineup of Hudson News, a turkey club wrap that’s been fermenting since last fall, and the knowledge that you’ll always have an excuse—”Sorry, Newark lost my flight again!”

In Conclusion

Whether it’s presidents proposing political marriages, Americans giving up half a day to get a new ID, or airports descending into chaos, this week has shown us that sometimes reality is stranger (and far funnier) than fiction. If there’s a bright side, it’s this: in America, at least the excuses arrive right on time—even when the planes never do.