“In my head, I rationalized it, if he had told me, I would’ve showed up more. But I don’t know if I would’ve,” Khloé said

Khloé Kardashian as a child with her father Robert Kardshian (left); Khloé Kardashian.Credit : Khloe Kardashian/Instagram; Nisha Johny/Disney/Getty

On the Wednesday, April 23 episode of her Khloé in Wonderland podcast, Khloé Kardashian opened up about being angry with her father Robert Kardashian after his death in 2003
The Good American co-founder shared that she didn’t truly move forward until she discussed her father’s death on an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Khloé said that as a parent, she now understands why Robert had trouble telling his children that his diagnosis was terminal

Khloé Kardashian is reflecting on her reaction to her father’s death from esophageal cancer in 2003.

On the Wednesday, April 23 episode of her Khloé in Wonderland podcast, the Good American co-founder, 40, spoke with grief expert and author David Kessler about how she struggled to process her dad Robert Kardashian’s death when she was just 19. During their conversation, she shared that she needed “someone to blame” and turned that anger on her father.

“My dad died really quickly,” she shared. “He had esophageal cancer and I think he died six or seven weeks after diagnosis … so it was really fast. And my dad… I don’t think he was lying to us, I don’t think he could accept himself that it was terminal, but he never used those words with us. So I just thought, ‘Oh, if I don’t see him, this isn’t real.’ “

Khloé continued, “I, at 19, distracted myself with my friends, and when he did die, I remember what guilt I felt for not spending more time with him. But then that guilt turned into anger, because then I was like, I need someone to blame, so I’m gonna blame my Dad, cause he didn’t tell me that it was terminal.”

From left: Khloé Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Robert Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian and Rob Kardashian.Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Khloé added, “In my head, I rationalized it. If he had told me, I would’ve showed up more.”

However, the reality TV star went on to give both herself and her father some grace given the complex situation. “I don’t know if I would’ve,” she admitted. “I just dealt with his passing the best way I knew how.”

Now, Khloé “is totally at peace” with her father’s death. That’s thanks in part to a producer on season 1 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians pushing her to talk about Robert during an interview.

“For about three years I was incredibly angry and I was filming my show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and on season 1, I remember one of my producers was making me do an interview about my dad, because I wouldn’t talk about my dad, because at that time if I spoke about him I would just break down,” she explained.

Khloé Kardashian on The Kardashians.Hulu

Khloé recalled being “so annoyed at this producer.” She told Kessler, “I was like, why are they making me sit in this dark room and talk about something I don’t want to talk about?”

She went on to share that it “was as if a house got lifted off of me after that conversation.”

“As soon as I had that conversation, that was the last time that I cried when talking about my dad, like in a bad way. I let go of all of this guilt and this anger, and now I could talk about my dad with smiles and happiness and admiration and understanding,” she said.

Now that she’s a parent to her daughter True, 7, and son Tatum, 2, both of whom she shares with her ex Tristan Thompson, Khloé revealed that she’s also gained a better understanding of why Robert didn’t tell her or her siblings — Kourtney, Kim and Rob — that his diagnosis was terminal.

“I could understand how hard — now that I have kids, too — how hard that would have to be to admit to yourself, I’m not going to be here for my children,” she said.

Ultimately, The Kardashians star now looks back on the experience of losing her father at a young age as a formative one that has allowed her to help others who are grieving. She also believes her father is still looking out for her in his own way.

“I have this guardian angel who I know things are working out because he’s up there meddling around,” she said.